Ramblings On Miscarriage

Tomorrow will be one week since we miscarried. I say “we” because my goodness my sweet sweet husband was a huge part of that day for me. Without him there with me, I don’t know how I would have handled things. I am going to be making a video on YouTube talking about my miscarriage experience, and once I do I will link it here. 

This has been by far the longest week of my life. I feel like life is going by so slow, yet way too fast. It’s like I don’t want the days to be passing because it hurts my heart that we are going on without our sweet baby. I know this is naive, but I truly thought I would just “bounce back” from this the next day. Boy was I wrong. I wish I had known how rough this would have been on my body. I’m exhausted beyond all measure 90% of the day, I feel moody and emotional 100% of the day, and my body hurts. It hurts so so bad. I don’t know how I ever went through labor once before when I couldn’t even handle this at 11 weeks along. I think the greatest pain comes from knowing I was leaving the hospital with nothing. Nothing but a broken heart and cramps that I thought would kill me. 

I think one of the hardest things for me is the dreams that have come since this. I’ve heard of crazy dreams during pregnancy, but my goodness the dreams after miscarriage have been so vivid. So vivid to the point of tears. Dreams of nursing a baby, dreams of being in labor, dreams of holding our precious baby. It’s so hard. My heart hurts so greatly and I am still trying to find ways to cope with this. I am trying to be okay with the situation at hand and know that there is a plan for everything. But dang it, it is hard. I wonder how people who do not have a faith in God handle things. I am so comforted to know He has a plan for our life. I would hate to come out of this and just think there was no reason for everything happening. 

Nothing will show you who your true friends are quite like something along these lines. People I barely ever talk to have reached out to me and friends I thought I was closet to haven’t even bothered to check in on us. Funny how that works, huh? I can not thank everyone who has reached out enough for the outpour of love during this. You guys are the best and we are so thankful for this tribe of people around us. 

I still have yet to have caffeine or a glass of wine out of guilt. Is that normal? I know some caffeine while pregnant is fine but I chose not to have any and now that I’m not pregnant….I just feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to have any of the things I was not supposed to be having while pregnant. 

I felt like I was pregnant for the longest time, yet no time at all. I was 11 weeks pregnant when we miscarried. We were talking that weekend about how close we were to being out of the first trimester! We had already started stock piling diapers. I already had outfits bought. We talked about if it was going to be a boy or a girl and we had names picked out. Those 11 weeks were some of the best weeks of my life, truly…and I think thats why this hurts so bad. After so long of trying, finally getting our miracle, and then having it gone all too quick.

I know we will get our baby some day. But for the time being, these are just a few of my thoughts within the first week of miscarriage. I know this is going to be a process. A process of grieving, figuring life out, and seeing where God takes our life next. This post is all over the place, but I needed to write these things down. It isn’t easy for me, but I know we are on our way.